Why do men talk to my boobs, a girl asked her female colleague. To which her colleague replied, so do I, they are splendid.
You are not supposed to laugh at anything, anyone, particularly women, if you are a true blue kohl-wearing, kurta clad, short-hair sporting ‘feminist’ woman. You are supposed to be ready to jump at your opponent’s throat if they even implied a joke at your expense. Never let anything go unchecked if you think you are a feminist. You could be fat, but no one can call you so, for the uninitiated, that is fat shaming, and somehow that too is anti-women. A feminist finds seriousness everywhere and easily forgives people’s lack of humour, including their own.
To find a rare, convoluted, women-made-victim angle to the most banal things in life is a feminist’s strong suit. For instance, in a feminist’s world, a husband asking wife to pack his lunch is an extreme insult to womankind and her freedom. She cannot take this request from her man at face value. She is supposed to resist, raise her voice against this unjust demand, and threaten to leave him. Why threaten, had it been a more persistent feminist, she would already have packed and left the confused man wondering why he didn’t buy lunch from a cafe instead.
We are not saying men have no rights, they do too, but only when our feminist friends so decide. To not be a feminist in today’s world, is to not know your rights. You are plain backward and have no space in a chic cafe lined with books and a Scrabble in one corner.
If you aren’t clued in yet, here’s a little help to identify this ‘cool’ tribe without much difficulty.
1. A feminist will say ‘I love you’ to her girlfriends on social media
This is to let men believe that we are so not bothered.
2. A feminist will shop from a Fabindia and other ethnic outlets
She is an intellectual, and an intellectual wears traditional outfits in contemporary style. Chunky jhumkas, jhola bag, slippers and a long flowy skirt with block-print in vegetable dye, is her calling.
3. A feminist likes her French press coffee at a book cafe
Over an animate discussion on social rights and effective media intervention, a feminist loves to sip her coffee gently, while occasionally biting into a mini cupcake.
4. A feminist ‘Likes’ quotes on women
On social media, a feminist will ‘like’ quotes on women power, and even comment on one saying how true it is.
5. A feminist meets her friends to discuss books
Feminist women are ardent readers, they dedicate their life to reading and discussing books by obscure poets and authors you cannot pick out on Googling either.
6. A feminist takes offence on your behalf
You have a feminist friend if she provokes you to break up with your boyfriend for calling you boring. It’s against women rights!
7. A feminist will refer to her girlfriends as ‘dudes’
It’s okay dude, chill!
8. A feminist is a great theatre and art critic
They watch, or at least claim to watch, all stage performances, and wax eloquent on whether or not it did justice to the role of women in society.
9. A feminist thinks it is beneath her to cook food
She has a designated ‘didi’ to do her cooking, else she would have lived off Maggi. Talk about survival skills!